zombie

So I did not sleep a wink last night. I could not even close my eyes, and I am hurting. I honestly sat there just thinking....... it is really hard to realize that I am not the person I can be. I have changed a lot in the past few months and I have changed for the better. i have become a better person and better friend. At least I was happy for a while. This is the reason I do not get into relationships often, I have never been the one to hurt someone else, but that is fine by me. I would rather suffer and try to justify things rather than hurting someone else. I know I try to hard to be the perfect guy, but I will never be perfect and everyone should know that. I have some serious issues that I need to work out on who I am. I do drive people away by trying to be around them too much, but that has only happened twice now, but this one hurts so much more because it was worth it. I am not bitter or remorseful about the situation, just trying to figure out why i continue to try to be everything to one person. If I had to go back and change it I wouldn't....I just did not stick to my word that I gave her and I wanted her around too much. It says a lot for her that I could feel this way about it. It was wonderful, and yes I cried like a baby last night, I don't care crying does not mean you are weak, it just means that you cared. I know she cares too, but it is just hard to accept because she did not cry, but maybe she is at peace. All I can do is accept it and move on, but this will be very hard. If I am not my normal self for a while please understand this as I have so much bad happening in my life right now. From here on out all i can concentrate on is cycling and being with my friends. I have to say thanks to kate for helping me out last night, also thanks to Louie and Lindsay, you guys are like family to me and I am sorry but I may be around a lot pretty soon. I just really need a reason to feel alive again. To tell you the truth this was the best of things, i would rather have someone not lie to me and pretend then go on and be miserable with me, so i have that going for me I guess. Really I do not have much going right, this is the time where I need to live through the lord to get me through this. I am torn apart inside and hope things turn around.